Posted by: Nick Walters | August 19, 2013

Pet Shop Boys: Electric

Will this do? 20 grand please cheers

NT: Fuck, we’re old.
CL: Yes.
NT: And our last album was a load of miserable middle-aged wank.
CL: Yes.
NT: We need a change of direction! And record label!
CL: Yes.
NT: Let’s be camp and flamboyant again!
CL: Yes.
NT: But, bollocks! Listen to this new Daft Punk album!
CL: Yes.
NT: We’ll never be able to outcamp that!
CL: No.
NT: So if we can’t outcamp them, we’ll have to out-electro them!
CL: Eh?
NT: More BPM! More blip! More bleep! Like it were 1993 all over again!
CL: Oh.
NT: And we’ll call it something like… Electro… Electronic… Eclectic…. Electric!
CL: Yes.
NT: And the cover will be all minimalist and futuristic – for a change.
CL: Yes.
NT: Cool beans! Now – how are we going to attract the attention of the Guardian reviewers and all their cuntish ilk?
CL: Fuck knows.
NT I know! A classical sample!
CL: Worked before.
NT: Yes.
CL: Yes.
NT: Well?
CL: Purcell?
NT: Yes. And we’ll bung in a quote from a famous dead poet as well, the fuckers will love that.
CL: Yes.
NT: William Blake?
CL: Don’t ask me, I know fuck all about poetry.
NT: Blake it is! Oh – and we’ll need to do something to wind up the rockists. A cover of something by someone revered in the rock canon, someone macho.
CL: Rod Stewart?
NT: Naaaaah.
CL: Billy Bragg?
NT: Naaaaah.
CL: Van Morrisson?
NT: Naaaaah.
CL: Madonna?
NT: Hmm… Naaaaah.
CL: Bruce Springsteen?
NT: PERFECT! Pick any one of his songs, it doesn’t matter. We’ll do for him what we did for U2 back in 1993! Sigh. Those were the days
CL: Yes.
NT: Yes.
CL: Yes.
NT:  We’ll also need to be, or appear to be, vaguely in touch with “the kids.” Therefore, we need to rope in one of those “hippy hop” rap chaps, to ruin one of the songs.  But – who?
CL:  That bloke off that car advert?
NT:  He’ll do!
CL: Yes.
NT: Yes.
NT: Yes. Well, I think that’s all we need, now get on with composing the music!
CL: OK. [CLICK!] Done.
NT: Fabbo! I’ll “lay down some vocals”, as they say, when I’ve finished the Gay Times crossword. Any idea about 7 across? “Strong lager favoured by tramps”, two words, seven letters and five letters?
CL: No idea.
NT: Oh.
CL: Yes.
NT: Bored now. Fancy going S.H.O.P.P.I.N.G.?
CL: Yes.
NT: Cool beans!

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