Posted by: Nick Walters | September 29, 2010

Hoppity-Hop, Boppity-Bop, Who’s Next for the Chop?!

These signs have started appearing in my local Tesco Metro:

Is it me, or aren’t they immensely fucking sinister? YOU’RE NEXT. Holy crap, what for?! YOU’RE NEXT. Please, leave me alone!

And they’re incorrect. I stood next to one today and there were seven people in front of me, so I certainly wasn’t next, and nor were they (except the bloke at the front) and they were ahead of the sign, and therefore couldn’t see it. So what’s the point?!

I can imagine the meeting – can’t you? – at Tesco HQ:

Lord Tesco: Shit, guys, there’s always massive queues at Tesco Metro in Totterdown with all the local chavs, alkies, druggies, oiks and psychos piling in to buy their booze / fags / lotto cards / affordable yet tasty food. We need to sort this ASAP or we got a riot on our hands!

Minion 1: Open more tills!

Lord Tesco: You’re fired.

Minion 2: Introduce new barriers which squeeze them into a zig-zag queueing zone, so that although the queues may be as long as ever, it won’t look that way to the victims – er, customers.

Lord Tesco: Now THAT’S more like it!

Minion 2 (smirks smugly): Thank you, Sir. Well, I did once work for the Post Office.

BA-DOOM TISH!

Lord Tesco: Any more ideas?

Minion 2: How about we intersperse signs saying “You’re Next” along the length of the queuing zone? That way the cunstomer – sorry, customer – trapped in a 20-long queue with its basket of groceries and booze will feel reassured, however falsely, as their bleary gaze alights on one of the said signs, that they will be next, however far from the front of the queue they happen to be?

Lord Tesco: That’s – that’s GENIUS. Customers rarely notice signs, and when they do, they completely ignore them – especially if they say “Closed.” It’s only the more mentally retarded, socially inadequate, genetically inferior members of the consumer race who actually look at signs and read them, if they can. Therefore, these subnormals won’t have the mental capacity to work out that what the “You’re next” sign is telling them cannot possibly be true. They will therefore be reassured and calmed, their rage will subside, and we will therefore avoid any unpleasantness!

Minion 2: Exactly, sir. These are the same people who are comforted by “Every little helps.”

Lord Tesco and Minion 2 roar with laughter together.

Lord Tesco: Whilst as we all know, a fucking great big LOT helps even more! Eh? You know – our profits, etc. Etc. We will implement this plan immediately – and Minion 2, you are now promoted to Regional Manager for the South West.

Minion 2: Why, thank you, Sir!

Lord Tesco: Now suck my cock.

So when you’re next in Tesco – WATCH OUT! You’re not really shopping, you’re taking part in a vast and evil experiment in cunstomer psychology!

Repeat after me… Every little helps…  Build high for happiness… Every little helps… 2+2=£5.99 for 2… Every little helps…

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