Posted by: Nick Walters | November 5, 2009

Management Bastards




This memo was circulated this morning to all inmates at the place in which and indeed where I (pretend to) work:

1. Junior staff must, on observing the approach of a Senior Member of staff, IMMEDIATELY and SHARPLY rise to their feet, SMARTLY salute, SMILE and say cheerfully and sincerely, “Good Morning/Afternoon, Sir/Madam!”

2. Junior staff must, on observing the approach of a member of Senior Management, perform the duties outlined in 1. above and then prostrate themselves in abject obeisance at the feet of the senior officer, only rising and returning to their desks when the Senior Officer has given them leave to Do So.

3. Junior staff must NOT talk to Senior Officers without written approval, signed by their line managers and countersigned by their team leader.

4. Conversations about anything other than work are banned. Should people wish to converse about their own private lives, the television programme they watched last night, or anything at all outside the remit of work, they should do so in their own time, provided that conversations are recorded and sent to Management for security purposes.

5. Private phone calls and e-mails are BANNED OUTRIGHT. Anyone found breaking this rule will be immediately fired. Out of a cannon. Into a brick wall. Studded with razor wire and broken glass.

6. Telephones MUST be answered BEFORE they ring. Staff should therefore seek to enhance their telepathic abilities. Drugs are available on prescription to assist with this; however, staff must beware of side-effects such as homicidal urges, shrivelling and detachment of limbs and external genitalia, gender confusion and lycanthropy.

7. Visits to the toilet are BANNED OUTRIGHT. Staff should either perform such duties in their own time, or undertake surgery to remove the necessity for defecation and urination.

8. Tea and coffee breaks are also banned. Caffeine is a dangerous drug which will contaminate the bloodstream of the loyal employee. Staff must instead consume Management’s approved stimulant: crystal meth. This is available freely from the dispensers situated on both floors.

9. Staff must learn, and be able to recite on the spot, even whilst at home or at 3 o’ clock in the morning when woken by Management phone call, the corporate Vision Statement. Failure to do so may result in personal grief, bereavement, and rescindment of individuality.

10. Staff are instructed to have fun at work. Failure to do so will result in immediate execution.

Have a nice day!


(In case anyone from my work is reading this: IT’S A JOKE you CRETINOUS DULLARD.)


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