Posted by: Nick Walters | April 14, 2009

Doctor Who And The Dead Planet Of The Dead

I noticed one or two minor plot holes:

– In the heist scene, why didn’t the guards – or at least one of them – bother to face inwards, thus observing the artefact they were allegedly protecting?

– Indeed, how boring a job for them, having to guard the thing day and night, presumably, all the time. And being paid for it, in this recession? Surely, in this day and age, electronic surveillance and security would be sufficient to protect even the most precious of objects?

– Hence: why did the “laser forcefield” (I will forgive the matter of such a thing being visible as dramatic license, to give them the benefit of the doubt) not protect the valuable artefact from above?

– Hence also: why the HOLY F- now, calm down, Walters, it’s only a television programme – why was there a hatchway DIRECTLY ABOVE the artefact rendering it nickable to anyone who has seen Mission Impossible, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Entraptment, or Wallace and FUCKING Gromit?!

– Why did Lady Christina d’ Salsa take off her mask so soon after her escape, allowing her (admittedly fine) features to be picked up by the numerous CCTV cameras which would obviously be present in such a locale?

– Why did the Fat Bernard Cribbins bus driver accept the diamonds? In my experience, bus drivers are curmudgeonly bastards who accept THE EXACT CHANGE ONLY.

– How can a double-decker bus outrun a police pursuit?

– Why did UNIT not send an armoured vehicle through the wormhole to rescue the people stranded on the planet? Or, indeed, the TARDIS?

– For fuck’s sake.

– I mean, really.

– Someone should have spotted THAT one.

– What’s so fucking amazing about chops and gravy?

– Why did the friendly shit-eating fly-men have insectile heads and hands, but humanoid bodies and feet?

– And Bluetooth earpieces?!

– If the wormhole has expanded to four and then ten miles wide, why did not more objects and people pass through?

– And why did only three of the flying jizzbolt monsters come back through the wormhole after the bus when Malcolm dithered so long over closing it?

– Don’t get me started on the anti-gravity things and the flying bus.

– Or the way the nice friendly expositionary shit-eating fly-men are conveniently killed off once their story function is fulfilled.

– Though it would have been nice if one of them could have screamed “Help Meeeeee!” before being devoured by one of the flying jizzbolt monsters.

– Where the fuck does Lady Christina d’Aguilera think she’s going in that flying bus and how far does she think she’s going to get before she’s taken down? It’s not as if it’s invisible to radar, or able to travel in time (now that reminds me of something…).

– I won’t – daren’t – venture into the arena of “London buses don’t look like that.” I do have some dignity. Not much – but some.

Honestly, this is what you get if you lock Russell T Davies and Gareth Roberts in a room with no restraining influence (though who would dare try to restrain THEM?!). “We’re the new Pip and Jane Baker!” crowed RTD in the latest edition of Doctor Who Magazine.

Well – he said it.

Still, it was a “fun romp” [standard Doctor Who Cliche #273] and I’m a “sad, obsessive mong” for noticing these, admittedly very few, plot holes, so I’ve booked my lobotomy so I can watch it again and enjoy it.

And “The Waters of Mars” looks good [OH LOOK, IT’S AN ANAGRAM OF THE MASTER OF WARS! Kill me now] though if the Ice Warriors aren’t in it, I’m going to put my foot through the screen and send RTD the bill (though I think he’s more of a Juliet Bravo man).



  1. That is fucking brilliant! I had a lot of the same ideas you had but couldn’t even begin to express them in such an eloquent manner.

    Hated the flying bus, but quite liked Lady Christina though, even though she’s obviously some Lara Croft clone. I wouldn’t mind seeing her again somewhere down the line, maybe not as a full time companion but possibly as some semi-recurring annoyance or helper depending on the whim of the story.

  2. Coming up next time…

    Dr Who And The Fun Romp Of Death!

    Dr. Who And The Ming-Mong Planet!

    Dr. Who And The Scottish Socks Of Doom!

    There’s three episodes that will probably be better than Planet Of The Dead Planet Where Not Everyone Was Dead…

  3. Is it only me that sees the similarities between the fly-men and the Fomasi from the Leisure Hive
    and how Lady Christina was very Romana-esque?

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