Posted by: Nick Walters | June 10, 2008

The Doctor’s Name

In last week’s episode of Doctor Who, Forest of the Dead, the Doctor’s future companion/wife/fuck-buddy River Song, desperate to get the Doctor to trust her, whispers his name into his shell-like.

Yes that’s right – the DOCTOR’S NAME!

Doctor Who fans up and down the land screamed FUUUUUUCK!

But now that we’ve calmed down a bit, how about some serious thought on this? Or, better, some utter bollocks. So – what is it? What is the Doctor’s name? And why has he been so reluctant to reveal it? (Except in The Mysterious Planet when it appears that he’s just about to blurt it out).

Here are my best guesses:

Cunt Chops, Fart Face, Shitlegs McFuckingtwatte, or something of that ilk. The reason the Doctor doesn’t share his name is that it is rather embarrassing and rude.

John Smith. Well, perhaps the Doctor’s name IS just plain old John Smith!

Theta Sigma. Again, boringly, it could be this, although this was allegedly only his nickname, as revealed by Drax in the Armaggeddon Factor.

Doctor Who. The most crashingly boring and obvious, and therefore most unlikely, of all.

Theo. I remember reading somehere that the Doctor’s name is Theo, short for something like Theoadvoratrelundar, but I can’t recall where I read this. Was it in a New Adventure? Online somehere? In the Leekley Bible? In your super soaraway Sun?

Ka Faraq Gatri. Naah, that’s just what the Daleks call him.

The Other. Er, on second thoughts, no.

Merlin. Er, on second thoughts, FUCK OFF.

Jesus Christ. Some card on the Doctor Who Forum proposed this, and, judging by the imagery in Last of the Time Lords and Voyage of the Damned, it’s a fair guess.

Lucifer. Betting the other way, how cool would that be? It may contradict The Satan Pit but that giant CGI demon was “the devil”, apparently; which still leaves room for the Doctor to be Lucifer, kicked out of heaven/Gallifrey.

Lawrence Miles. Not sure what this would do to reality. Break it, I expect.

Anyway, I doubt we’ll ever know. Apart from taking away from the mystique of the character, if they revealed his true name they could hardly call the programme Doctor Who any more, could they?




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