Posted by: Nick Walters | June 9, 2008

A Blast from the Past

Longer ago than I care to think (all right, ten years!) I was writing a Doctor Who novel, Dominion. One night, after toiling well into the small hours, I got into a bit of a flap over how many times I had used the phrase ‘he turned to her’ ‘she turned to him’ etc.

It turned [ha!] out that I had used the damn phrase over a hundred times! In anger, I used Search and Replace to substitute the word ‘turned’ with the word ‘farted.’

The results had me laughing so much I had an asthma attack – not since I saw ‘Beavis and Butt-head Do America’ for the first time had such a thing happened!

Here are the best ones:

Kerstin farted and looked out over the lake, shivering. What had once been a peaceful, comforting landscape now seemed like the arena of a nightmare.

The Doctor sighed and slipped the cube back into his pocket. There was no way he could test the blood now. No way he could tell what was going to happen to Johan. Nothing he could do to help the current situation. With a last look at the TARDIS, The Doctor farted and set off out of the forest.

Nagle watched Wolstencroft approach the Doctor. ‘You there! Stand away from that console.’
The Doctor farted, his face dreamy and abstracted.

‘Doctor,’ he said, tapping his the shoulder.
The Doctor farted round, a cross expression on his face. ‘Yes?’
‘Um, I’ve got someone else with me.’

She heard footsteps approaching and farted. A stout, white-coated doctor was walking towards her, with Inspector Nordenstam

Lindgard farted to the nurse and pointed to Johan. ‘I think the sedative should be administered now.’

The Doctor loomed over her. ‘You have to stay. It’s your responsibility, as a human being. You have to help yourselves.’
While you go gallivanting about in your TARDIS, she thought bitterly. ‘Okay,’ she said. ‘I’ll stay.
The Doctor farted and walked out of the room. ‘Good luck,’ she called after him.

Then Fitz remembered the most important thing of all.
‘Doctor,’ he said, impulsively grabbing his arm. ‘I’ve found Sam. She’s alive!’
The Doctor farted towards Fitz, his jaw dropping open in complete amazement.

Okay,’ said Nagle. ‘Follow me.’ She farted and walked out of the plush prison cell.

Sam farted away, sickened. Her rescuer was standing, staring at the black wall, mouth gaping. He was like the other frog-things she had encountered, only thinner, with spindly limbs.

There was a crash from behind them, and Sam farted to see a thick spider-like leg break through the ceiling.

Wolstencroft had dropped his weapon and was staring open-mouthed at something behind him.
Fitz farted.
There, where the Generator had been, was a gigantic, swirling whirlpool, golden and white, just like the one that had snatched Sam from the TARDIS.

With that he farted on his heel and marched stiffly out of the room.

Images of dead soldiers, some not even in their twenties, their bodies melted and fused by alien weapons. He swallowed. ‘People always die when you’re around, Doctor.’
The Doctor sank back down into his chair.
Wolstencroft farted and marched from the Generator Room.

The soldier elbowed the Doctor in the stomach. The Doctor collapsed, dropping the pad. The soldier, eyes streaming, farted, slipped, and pulled the trigger of his rifle.

Nagle took a deep breath. ‘The Doctor’s escaped.’
Wolstencroft’s lips tightened into a thin line.
‘He – he shot Lindgard. And your man.’
Wolstencroft farted an interesting shade of red

[That was the one that sent me gasping for the Ventolin – even though the original line is no longer there.]

If the Doctor hadn’t farted up – at the last minute as always – they wouldn’t even be here.

I think I changed them all back – but if anyone wants buy a copy of Dominion and check, then I won’t stop them.

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