Posted by: Nick Walters | June 3, 2008

Everything’s Breaking

2008 seems to be the year in which all the consumer goods I own have decided to kill themselves rather than be used by me.

First up – my iron. A fairly decent Rowenta job, which cost me 40 quid new, about 7 years ago. I’ve never been happy with it – it’s always been a bugger to fill with water, and it seems to exist solely to piss water everywhere. Its downfall came the other week, when I had to iron shirts for a series of quite senior meetings and visits during which I had to look at least vaguely smart. The fucker proceeded to gloop brown, rusty water over 2 of my best shirts, so I hoyed the thing out of the patio window in disgust where it cracked against the wall and broke in half. Funny thing is, it fitted back together and still “works” as well as it ever did, i.e., not very well.

My kettle is also on the blink. You have to pour it very slowly and carefully, or else you get a scalding tide of boiling water. It was a cheapo kettle from Gardiner Haskins, when I bought it I remember looking at all the expensive kettles and trying to decide which one to get, until I was struck by a thunderbolt: IT’S ONLY A FUCKING KETTLE YOU DAFT CUNT, ALL IT DOES IS BOIL WATER, BUY THE CHEAPEST, FOOL! So when I buy its replacement, I think I’ll spent a bit more than £7.99. £9.99, perhaps.

My vacuum cleaner, which cost about eleven quid from Sainsbury’s, has also bust – but I’ve mended it with some gaffa tape, so it works for now.

My PC – an ancient one loaned from work, which, for reasons too boring to go into, I can’t get serviced or replaced by work any more – is falling down, hence the purchase of this second-hand laptop upon which I now write. (Thanks, Badger!) It reeks of fags, but seems to work OK.

My Parker fountain pen I bought last year – a more expensive model than the usual 5 quid jotters I usually buy – simply stopped working during a boring meeting at work the other week. I don’t really blame it, because it was a very especially fucking boring meeting, but it is a mystery, and no amount of cleaning will revive it. Back on the cheapo jotters now, they’re great value (£7.99 is the most I’ve ever paid for one) and it’s no great loss when you lose one / it breaks / some fucking cunt nicks it. 

I have hi-fi separates which are getting on a bit now, and the amp (a Rotel RA-931 Mark 2) seems to have died. I’ve had it since 1993, so it feels like I’ve lost a loyal friend. It has seen every Fall album from The Infotaintment Scan to Imperial Wax Solvent; maybe it has killed itself, after a decade and a half of The Fall? I can’t countenance that, SURELY my amp was a Fall fan! MUST be some other reason. Added to this, my KEF Q35 floorstanders are on the blink, so it’s off to the hi-fi shop to get a quote for repairs. God knows how much this is gonna cost.

I know this all sounds like small beans in the face of all the suffering in the world, but this is my blog, and I’ll write what the fuck I like. So fuck off.

Even my  IKEA double bed (the best 400 quid I’ve ever spent; I find it very hard to get out of it) is in on the act – the wooden slats keep falling out, I have to keep sliding them back in, and can’t lie on the left side of it. Hey! Must be because of all the shagging I’ve done over the years! Cool.

My liver, of course, is fucked; but the “buy 4 pints get 1 free” Stella offer up the Bush is over now, so it may recover.

Thank God Bellinda is in good shape – I’m off round the South West soon on various cycling trips, and it’s Bristol’s Biggest Bike ride in a couple of weeks, so I’m expecting a puncture at the very least.

Darned inanimate objects and the power they have over us!

It is largely because of all this that I am now a firm believer in Resistentialism.

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