Posted by: Nick Walters | May 23, 2008

All Hail the Grand Moff!

Most (if not all) Doctor Who fans welcome the news that Steven Moffat is taking over from Russell T. Davies as showrunner on the programme. Moffat’s stories have been among the best if not the best of the new series (The Empty Child/The Doctor Dances being, in my opinion, the absolute pinnacle since the show returned) and the guy has masses of TV experience. So, Hurrah! for Steven Moffat. Hurrah!

Doctor Who fans, however, are notoriously… ah, how to put this… FUCKING INSANE (I include myself in this), and some have, inevitably, reservations about Mr Moffat. They think he might cast Jack Davenport as the Doctor, and Gina Bellman as the companion, and turn it into Coupling in Space (hey… that doesn’t sound too bad actually). For the past 3 years they have been complaining about RTD’s alleged “gay agenda”; now they are worried that Mr Moffat will introduce a “hetero agenda” and are saying that they are already missing the “gay agenda.” I could go on, but surely that is enough to demonstrate that Doctor Who fandom is a sad, scary place. But hey, it’s home to me, and far safer than the (shudder) Real World (if that even exists. I have my doubts).

Some fans have taken it upon themselves to post “advice” to Steven Moffat on the Doctor Who Forum (link should be somewhere on this page). How altruistic of them. Rather sweet, too, to imagine Steven Moffat sitting down in front of his Apple Mac (I don’t know, I just imagine he’d have one) in his dressing gown with a cup of cocoa and a pad, nodding seriously and taking copious notes.

As a writer myself I know that when working on a novel or short story or something, it is better to get the opinion of a couple of peers who know your work well, and one or two who don’t, to gain perspective. Feedback from five people is, in my experience, the max. (I made the mistake of sending the first draft of Reckless Engineering to about twelve people, and got completely snowed under with so many contradictory criticisms and comments that it stalled the novel for a month). Of course, the only people whose comments you should pay any attention to are yourself and your editor – in the end it’s your story (or programme or whatever) and they’re paying you to write it.

So if Mr Moffat IS looking at all the “helpful” “advice” on OG – and there must be PAGES and PAGES of it – I hope he’s not going to try to assimilate it all! That way madness lies, and a camel of a TV programme. I would also add: Fans! DON’T bother with your advice, however well-meant. Let the Moff get on with it. I’m sure he’s going to to a fantastic job!

That said, a certain Doctor Who fan of my acquantaince has sent me his list of advice for Steven Moffat, and begged me to post it on the Doctor Who Forum (he was kicked off last year for continually flouting the Forum Code of Conduct, i.e. calling one of the moderators a fat, angry, xenobombulous cunt). Fuck him, I’m not doing that, but here, for a laugh, is his heartfelt advice to Steven Moffat (all typos – and dodgy racist views – are his not mine):


What S. MOFFAT MUST DO when he take’s over Dr. Who:

1. Comission a new TARDIS prop WITH THE RIGHT SIZE WINDOWS and proper wording on the door.

2. NEVER EVER USE the phrase “wibbley-wobbley, timey-wimey stuff” again EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER.

3. Bring back Paul McCann and Christopher Ecclestone for “The New Three Doctors.” This story MUST also include the Brigaider played by Nicholas Courtnay, be about Omega (played by Stephen Thorn)’s revenge on the Last of the Time Lords. Bessie should also appear.

4. Show the Time War, with all spectaclar CGI Dalek battles and shit, including the Doctor regenrating from McCann to Ecclestone.

5. Bring back the “diddly-dums.” I want to FEEL the diddly-dums, motherfucker. FEEL them. I want to FEEL the bass through the wobbbling folds of my fat spotty ass.

6. Change the logo. DOCTOR should ALWAYS be above WHO and NEVER by it’s side seprated by a dot. Lens flare the fucker to death, I DONT CARE, as long as DOCTOR is above WHO (or maybe at a jaunty angle like in the CLASSIC Seventh Doctor title sequence).

7. Talking of title sequences, the Doctor’s face MUST be included in the title sequence. THIS IS ABSLUTELY ESENTIAL. It must, in adition, be a aminated CGI head what winks, gurns, sticks its tongue out, sneezes, blinks and barfs out the TARDIS.

8. Comission MY STORY for the 2010 season. It is attached to this message, and features ALL the Doctors teaming up with the Roberts and Sims Masters and the Rani (played by Kate Bush) to defeat a vast army of Cyber/Dalek hybrids created by Davros, whilst UNIT – headed by the Brigaider – battle Sea Devils, Autons and Ogrons on a post-apocalyptic Earth, whilst the Dominators, Sutekh, Mavic Chen, the Great Inteligence, Kronos, Fenric, the Nestene Consciousnesness and Beep the Meep hatch a plan to enslave the whole universe, as Count Grendell, The Graff Vynda-Kar and Soldeed out of the Horns of Nimon form a travellng troope of players re-enacting Shakspearian comedies as a front for an asasinnation attempt on the Doctor, whilst the Taran Wood Beast is revealed to be the ultimate incarnation of Jenny the Doctor’s daughter, who traveled to Tara in a desperate attempt to contact the Doctor to
reverse her regeneration to human form again, whilst K-9 and the Giant Robot trundle/stumble across the surface of the Moon in search of the mythical Seventh Segment of the Key to Time, which the Doctor needs in order to undo Season 23 so that it never happens, and Leela get’s her tits out, it’s called DOCTOR WHO AND THE CUNTS OF FUCK. Hope you like it.

9. The new Doctor Who. I have no problem who is cast, as long as they are not black, or a woman. Middle-aged, white males only, please.

10. The new companion. I allow the casting of a black person, as it worked before (Freeema) – but no other foreigners, please. Dr Who is English for the English.

11. Employ Ian Levine as a special Dr Who consultant. Not doing this was RTD’S BIGGEST MISTAKE. Moffat, take heed!

12. BRING! BACK!!! ADRIC!!!!!!

Silas Burzlum
Gurt Grand Panjandrum
Nempnett Thrubwell Doctor Who Appreciation and Pig-Fucking Society


Stay off the cider, kids!


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