Posted by: Nick Walters | March 5, 2008

Vampire Hamsters Attack Churchgoers

A nest of vampiric hamsters has been found in the basement of a church in Salem, Massachussetts.

Churchgoers at the Tabernacle Church had been complaining for months about “scratching” and “scuttling” noises coming from beneath the pews.

Local pest control experts Extermico were called in to investigate and entered the church basement which had been sealed up for over five decades.

Rod Lunes, owner and MD of Extermico, was first down the cellar steps and remembers seeing a “tide of fur” before something dropped onto his shoulder. He recalls feeling “a sharp pain like an injection” and then passing out. He is now recovering in hospital from a blood infection.

The basement was then gassed and the bodies of over 800 hamsters were removed. Local veterinarian Lerline Larkspahr examined a sample of the creatures. “They look like normal hamsters you’d have as pets”, she told shocked reporters. “But they have evolved pointed, hollow incisors with which they sink into their prey in order to feed off their blood. What we have here are vampire hamsters, I guess.”

Fr Charles Graylin, pastor of the Tabernacle, has had the basement blessed, and filled in with concrete. “The hamsters couldn’t emerge from the basement as the church is consecrated ground”, he said. “The Lord has saved Salem from a plague of Biblical proportions.”

Locals have been warned to watch out for any hamsters which may have escaped.
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