Posted by: Nick Walters | January 22, 2008

Jeff Wode and the Perfumed Ponces – Withnailed

I happened across this very strange album in a charity shop. Released in 1988, the cover features a close-up of Richard E. Grant’s character from Withail and I, the title and artist name emblazoned in a dreadful “circus”-style font in garish red-and-yellow at the top. There was no inner sleeve, and no artist information on the back – only the track titles, so I have no idea who the musicians are. Whoever they were they must have been a bunch of psyched-up, punked-up, megahippes on acid and beer. Oh yeah.  Here’s what it sounds like…   

Side 1:

No (5.12)

A slow, sinister number, with prowling bassline, and a one-word lyric – “No” – which comes in at the end after a crash of synthesised cymbals, leaving a cavernous, cathedral-sized empty space.

Imagine The Size Of His Balls (5.36)

This builds slowly from a mellow, Doors-y beginning to a bass and drums blitz like being blown about in a gale of sound.

My Thumbs Have Gone Weird! (3.45)

A full-on head-fuck, with every cheesy psychedelic guitar effect ever, and an even cheesier synth.

Rue The Day (2.28)

A straight-ahead punk number, contrasting sharply with the experimentation of the first three tracks. The lyric, “Then the FUCKER will RUE the DAY” is barked over a three-chord garage racket similar to that perpetrated by The Fall.

I Fuck Arses (4.18)

After emulating The Fall, the Ponces now pay homage to the Butthole Surfers with this lumbering slab of shuddering slob-rock.

What Fucker Said That? (6.56)

Another breakneck change of style – over bar-room piano and washboard accompaniment, the title of the song is repeated in cultured, sinister tones. The end of the song is shocking – everything cuts out, and a drunken Irish voice bellows “I called him a ponce! And now I’m calling you one! PONCE!” The final word is echoed and synthesised, phased in and out for ages until it disappears in a whirlpool of sonic distortion. Disturbing.

I Shall Never Play The Dane (2.52)

To end Side 1, a quite, meditative piece, set to bongos and violin.

Side 2:

Time, Gentlemen (4.02)

A real hoe-down to start Side 2! This sounds like the Pogues on acid, fiddles and mandolins and accordions vying for the most racket whilst drums flail vainly against the Beat. Everything stops every now and then in order for a clearly drunken, raddled, old voice to rumble out the words “Time, gentlemen.”

Here Hare Here (3.38)

Probably the strangest track on the album. No music, just the words of the song title repeated in various voices at various pitches, accompanied by bird and animal noises, and in the distance the sound of a tractor.

Offer Him Yourself (4.52)

A plaintive torch song, it seems. Very reminiscent of early period Marc Almond.

Here Comes Another Fucker (2.34)

And now begins the end of album freakout! This is speed metal played by Krautrocking punks, with sounds of screaming traffic and police sirens. The words “Here comes another fucker” are sometimes audible. This track segues into…

Get In The Back Of The Van! (3.19)

A sterntorian piece of metallic funk-punk to rival Rage Against the Machine.

Like having your face rammed up against the side of a police van.

Dead Down The Drain (10.36)

This is the abyss, and it is staring into YOU. After the relatively straight-ahead rocking of the previous two numbers, comes the climactic head-fuck of the album, and it’s so psychedelic it will make your brain revolve inside your skull.

Shimmering, sparkling, violent velvet – I can’t even begin to describe this Most god-like of tracks.

Nor Woman Neither (7.22)

After the freakout storm, comes this piece of new dawn. The loveliest track on the album, and they saved it to last. A speech from Hamlet is set to slow, sensual drums and bass of the Mellowest kind. Halfway through, a lone guitar keens in and it’s like a Goddess’s orgasm.



  1. Where can I get a copy of this? Sounds excellent!!

  2. I assume this is completely made up. The artists need to be found and a re-release needs to be sorted out!

  3. I’m sure this is made up. I Googled and Youtubed it to no avail.

  4. Nick

    Please can you make this album avialable online for all us W&I fans?

    I await your response with bated breath…


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