Posted by: Nick Walters | January 16, 2008

10 Reasons Why January is SHIT

1. It’s 36 months until the Christmas after the Christmas after next.

2. The 27th is National Suicide Day. “Kill Yourself For Queen And Country.” This year, I may well take up the offer.

3. There’s nothing on TV except for repeats of a single episode of the Kelly Monteith Show, the one where he wears hilariously huge tennis shorts.

4. For the entire month it rains scalding AIDS piss 24 hours a day.

5. All babies born during January are born blind, deaf, dumb, limbless, skinless, and with anencephaly, psoriasis and bone cancer.

6. Nightly invasions of giant toxic mutant alien terrorspiders who dribble acid in your ears and suck out your brain.

7. For the entire month of January, the PM takes a holiday and Jeremy Clarkson is allowed to be Prime Minister. In the case of Clarkson’s (hopefully bloody) death, it’s Peter Hitchens.

8. All alcohol is banned, and pubs are turned into rehearsal spaces for local theatre groups. Any booze left over from Christmas is poured into the sea, and anyone found drinking alcohol is executed by firing squad. 

9. The 17th is St Fuckenkuntt’s Day.

10. During January, the Earth moves near the black hole Yarinarious-4534, which slows down time to a factor of 50, which means that January seems to go on FOR EVER AND EVER AND EVER AND FUCKING, CUNTING, PISS-SHITTING TIT-BLOODY EVER.

I fucking hate January.

But at least it’s not as bad as February.

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