Posted by: Nick Walters | January 31, 2010

BristolCon 2010

Yay! First blog post of the year!

And it’s to announce that the con is on – Bristol Con 2010 that is.

It’s a small SF and Fantasy convention with big ideas and it’s happening on 6 November at the Ramada Plaza in Bristol.

Guests of honour are Paul Cornell (who should need no introduction to the 2 people who read this blog) and acclaimed fantasy author Joe Abercrombie.

Other guests include Juliet McKenna, Colin Harvey, Gareth Powell and, last and by all means least, me.

Membership is £15 if you sign up before 24 May, £20 after that and £20 on the door.

If you’re a dealer, and would like a table, costs are the same as membership, and please contact me on nickw@blueyonder.co.uk of via the facebook page.

There’s also a twitter page and, of course, a web page.

See you there!

Posted by: Nick Walters | December 31, 2009

End of Year Album Review Round-Up

Here be reviews of the new albums I’ve bought during 2009 but have been too lazy to get round to writing:

Prefab Sprout: Let’s Change The World With Music

This breaks my heart for two reasons. One, the songs. They are FANTASTIC, and Paddy McAloon is a genius. When I first heard Let There Be Music, I cried, so pure, so beautiful, so wonderful it was. Almost all of the eleven songs here are as good if not better, especially I Love Music, God Watch Over You, Music Is A Princess and Sweet Gospel Music. (Yes, the song titles are cheesy, and the overuse of religious symbolism initially worrying for an atheist like myself, but the songs are so good this ceases to matter after a few listens). They are among the best songs Paddy has written. Which brings us to the second reason this breaks my heart: however much you try to ignore it, this is a demo, albeit a warmed-over one- from the early 90’s. This album was meant to follow Jordan: The Comeback but the lyrical content apparently scared off the record company. FOOLS! They denied us a full, proper version of this album, with Martin on bass, Neil on drums and Wendy on BVs! And produced by Thomas Dolby. The mere thought of what that combination of talents could have done with, for example, I Love Music brings me to tears. Heartbreaking, especially seeing as Paddy is never going to perform live and will probably never release another new record.

Muse: The Resistance

How can Muse possibly top the mad grandeur of Black Holes and Revelations? Well, by doing the same thing over again – only bigger and barmier. Stylistically, The Resistance is all over the shop. Opening track Uprising is fantastic – electro glam rock Doctor Who theme madness, and the best thing Muse have ever done. I love it! United States of Eurasia is a shameless Queen tribute, they EVEN SING “there can be ooooonly one!” during it. I Belong To You – the most critically derided track – is ace with its funky piano riff, not even a clarinet solo and French poetry can spoil it. Undisclosed Desires sounds like Justin Timberlake, and Guiding Light like Ultravox. Mental! But the whole thing never gels. Two of the tracks employ the same sort of dumb riffery Muse utilised well on Knights of Cydonia, and the final three-track epic Exogenesis Symphony is worryingly bland – I’ve heard it ten times, but cannot recall a thing about it.  There’s some dodgy “concept” about love underpinning the whole mess, but I can’t be arsed to work it out. However, despite everything, this album is never boring and Muse should be praised for trying something different.

Robin Guthrie: Carousel

For those who don’t know, Robin Guthrie was in the Cocteau Twins where he provided the musical soundscapes for Liz Frazer’s amazing vocals. Since they split in 1996 he’s done loads of collaborations and soundtrack work and a number of solo EPs and albums, of which Carousel is the latest. And it’s the nearest he’s yet come to the sound of the Cocteaus. This isn’t to say that you miss Liz’s vocals, but that this album has got the same sort of vibe as Heaven or Las Vegas or Blue Bell Knoll. It’s utterly, utterly, utterly beautiful beyond words and hence there’s nothing more I can say about it.

The Veronicas: Hook Me Up

Okay, I admit I only bought this because I am an old pervert. And I saw them perform a song on some yoof programme or something, and thought they were quite good, in a girly punk pop Shampoo sort of style.  And, honestly, look at them! Who can blame me? The dark haired one especially. I know I am over twice their age, which makes me a paeaaeeaaedoe, but, I am only human. And so I got this album with my Nectar points, not spending any real money thank God. MORE FOOL ME! They used to be in Neighbours, which should have alerted me to danger. It’s exactly the sort of overproduced, glossy, mindless pap you’d expect. To carry this sort of thing off you need some sort of talent or brain, like Shampoo or Alisha’s Attic or Kenickie or a million other bands. But this is simply shite. Sorry, girls.

Bob Dylan: Christmas In The Heart

Dylan is clearly taking the piss here, behind the get-out clause that “it’s for charity.” I bought this for my Dad for Christmas, to serve him right for being a Dylan fan! But, but, but… there’s fun to be had here. Dylan’s takes on the likes of Here Comes Santa Claus and Hark The Herald Angels Sing are hilarious, verging on William Shatner territory; and there’s something refreshing in hearing such familiar songs delivered by what sounds like Davros’s grandad with a bad attack of catarrh. Genius this is not, perverse festive fun it is.

Dan Black: Un

Dan Black was the lead singer of little-known band The Servant, who were somehow big in France, whose debut 2004 album was an insanely brilliant and catchy collection of electro-pop some of which appeared on the soundtrack to Sin City. The follow-up, How To Destroy A Relationship, was dire – all electronics had been ditched in favour of AnyBand(TM) guitar wankery, and the songwriting had gone all horribly twee (Hey Lou Reed being the worst offender). The Servant split in 2007 and Black has gone solo, to impressive effect on this album which joyously has a lot in common with early Servant. Opening track Symphonies is insanely, irresistably catchy and the rest of the album, though not quite as good, is great. Black has a sort of weird wired wide-eyed joie de vivre, a sort of dark naivete which is hard to resist.  Cheesy song titles like Ecstasy, Wonder and I Love Life abound and there are synthesised strings and satisfying bass grooves aplenty. On this showing Dan Black should be a name to watch for 2010.

Albums of the Year

Of those I have bought and reviewed on this blog, obviously.

Best album of the year: let’s give it to the Moz. He deserves it, and it is a fantastic album.

Worst album of the year: it has to be the Veronicas, but it’s probably my fault for buying the thing expecting something else. Still, it’s my blog, and so, I’m afraid girls, Hook Me Up is the worst album I’ve bought this year. Even Dylan’s Xmas horror is at least fun to listen to… in small doses.

Next Year

So what does 2010 hold musically? The new Fall album, Our Future – Your Clutter, is meant to arrive in January, but if it does, I’ll be surprised. They are on top form live and all the new songs are great, so we need the album! It seems a hell of a long time since Imperial Wax Solvent! Also eagerly awaited is the new Blue Aeroplanes album. Massive Attack’s Heligoland is apparently out in February, as is Beth Orton’s new one, and Robyn Hitchcock and the Venus 3’s Propellor Time touches down in March so it looks like being a good start to the year.

Posted by: Nick Walters | December 24, 2009

Kenny Christmas Everybody

A more cheerful one today – and, thankfully, the last.

Kenny Christmas Everybody

Is he banging on the downstairs bathroom wall
It’s the time of year that Ken dreads most of all
Does he hide in bedclothes in fear?
Does he turn up his dismay?
Is he lairy, fat and miserable all day?

So here it is,
Kenny Christmas!
Everybody’s looking glum
Slumped in an armchair, Ken
Can’t wait for death to co-oo-ome

Is he waiting for the misery to arrive
He’s not sure he’s got the patience to survive
Ken will always tell you
That the old songs are the best
And he’ll get his organ out for a test

So here it is,
Kenny Christmas!
It’s a pain in the bum
Ken’s getting off his face
On beer and wine and Naaavy Rum

Is he throwing up and retching in the hall
Is he hoping carol singers will not call
Does he ride upon the lavvy
For hours upon end
When you hear that flushing sound you’ve been Kenned

So here it is,
Kenny Christmas!
Ken’s had too much Christmas fun
His festive bout of diarrhoea
Has only just begu-uu-uuun



Posted by: Nick Walters | December 23, 2009

The Face of Christmas

And still the yuletide nihilism goes on!

The Face of Christmas

    A sweaty Jack Nicholson gurning leer
    Teeth bared, wishes me Christmas cheer
    Merry is the man on eight pints of Stella
    The life and soul, a jolly scary fella
    Is this the face
    Of Christmas?

    The child’s screams slice like hot ice through fat
    The MILF chides but cannot silence the brat
    His face a burst tomato of childish indignation
    The injustice so great it would shame the nation
    Is this the face
    Of Christmas?

    She’s 22, fit, flash and flirty
    Likes a drink, reliably dirty
    Lovely, but – fuck off, cunt!
    She’s spoken for, yours she isn’t!
    Is this the face
    Of Christmas?

    He sobs. He sobs. He drinks. He sobs.
    He’s failed at so very many jobs.
    No money left. No love. No hope.
    Just one choice – pills, gun or rope?
    Is this the face
    Of Christmas?

    Celebrities! Caper on our tellies and PCs
    Like some endless high-definition disease
    Christmas can’t be Christmas without these worms
    Watch them dance and preen and cackle as we squirm!
    Is this the face
    Of Christmas?

    A snowman melts slowly in an estate
    Grotesque, almost art, left to his fate
    Dogshit for eyes and a Pringles tube cock
    And no-one to care or even to mock
    Is this the face
    Of Christmas?

    A jolly smile, Ho ho ho!, rosy cheeks, a beard,
    But there’s something about this Santa that’s weird
    He’s been on the sex offenders’ register for a while
    As a dedicated, incurable peaedophile
    Is this the face
    Of Christmas?

    The infant Christ so safe and serene
    A charming, traditional Nativity scene
    On a Christmas card someone has defaced
    With cock and balls and cum on Mary’s face
    Is this the face
    Of Christmas?

    I look in the mirror and staring back
    Is a man whose heart is totally black
    A man who cares not if he lives or he dies
    I admire the dead, empty depths of his eyes
    THIS is the face
    Of Christmas.

    Posted by: Nick Walters | December 22, 2009

    Rudolph the Red-Domed Dalek

    Rudolph the Red-Domed Dalek

    You know Alpha, and Beta, and
    Omega, and Zeg,
    Special Weapons, and Black, and
    Emperor and Supreme,
    But do you recall
    The most famous Dalek of all?

    Rudolph the red-domed Dalek
    Had a very shiny dome
    And if you ever saw it
    You might just have time to say ‘It glows!’ before Rudolph exterminated you and you died

    All of the other Daleks
    Used to laugh and call him names
    They never let poor Rudolph
    Play in any Dalek games

    Then on the eve of the Dalek Invasion of Earth
    Davros came to say:
    “RUDOLPH WITH YOUR DOME SO BRIGHT,
    WON’T YOU LEAD MY DALEK ASSAULT SQUAD TONIGHT?”

    Then all the Daleks loved him
    As they screeched aloud with glee:
    “RU-DOLPH THE RED-DOMED DA-LEK,
    YOU’LL GO DOWN IN DA-LEK HIS-TO-RY.”

    Posted by: Nick Walters | December 22, 2009

    Santa’s Dead

    A real golden oldie now.

    Merrrrry Christmas!

      Santa’s Dead

      Remove the ivy from your door,
      Tell the children Christmas is no more,
      Take down the decs, the tree and holly -
      ‘Tis NOT the season to be jolly.

      No mistletoe kisses for plain Jane -
      She’ll be singing a mournful refrain.
      No presents under the tree for Mark -
      He’ll be weeping softly in the dark.

      Christmas crackers rot in their boxes
      Mince pies thrown out for the foxes
      Carol singers struck down with laryngitis -
      Everyone knows what a sad sight that is.

      Children cannot be consoled
      Parents wretched, tired and old
      Everyone trying to get into their head
      The sad news: FATHER CHRISTMAS IS DEAD.

      The church bells toll a funeral sound as
      Santa lies lifeless in the ground,
      His reindeers slaughtered, their carcasses raw –
      And the elves won’t be found until the next thaw.

      Posted by: Nick Walters | December 20, 2009

      Crap Christmas

      More yuletide misery in rhyme:

      Crap Christmas

      Shopping mall bile and gall
      Tat and tinsel wall to wall
      What’s on telly? BUGGER ALL
      Crap Christmas!
      Crap Christmas!

      Turkey a-FUCKING-gain
      Pissed as a cunt by half past ten
      When will it end? PLEASE? WHEN?
      Crap Christmas!
      Crap Christmas!

      Secret Santa chocolate cocks
      Not another pair of socks
      Still sod all on the box!
      Crap Christmas!
      Crap Christmas!

      Stalking ‘neath the mistletoe
      Fairy lights refuse to glow
      “A wassailing we will go!”
      Crap Christmas!
      Crap Christmas!

      Vicar of Dibley – sooner die
      Not another FUCKING mince pie
      I think I am gonna cry
      Crap Christmas!
      Crap Christmas!

      Pull a cracker! FUCK off.
      Children granny nasty cough
      How many nuts can YOU scoff?
      Crap Christmas!
      Crap Christmas!

      Violent Monopoly row
      Wallace and Gromit on now!
      Enjoy yourself! Yes, HOW?
      Crap Christmas!
      Crap Christmas!

      Bauble trauma Tunis cake
      How much more can YOU take?
      Nigella – OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE.
      Crap Christmas!
      Crap Christmas!

      Tesco Value Christmas Tree
      STILL nowt to see on TV
      Nanny McPhee on DVD
      CRAP CHRISTMAS!
      CRAP CHRISTMAS!
      CRAP CHRISMAS FOR ME

      Posted by: Nick Walters | December 18, 2009

      Christmas Suicide

      Time for some festive poetry, here’s a fun one.

      Merry Shitmas!

      Christmas Suicide

      Sleigh bells chime,
      Carol singers sing,
      Presents under the tree -
      But not for me.

      No friends,
      Family all gone,
      No sex since 1991 -
      All alone.

      The stark horror of Yuletide!
      It’s time for my CHRISTMAS SUICIDE.

      The telly taunts me
      With how life should be:
      Couples – hugging
      After Christmas shopping;
      Families – happy
      Round the Christmas tree;
      Children – at play -
      O the Joy of Christmas Day!

      But not for I.
      I can’t even cry.
      No Christmas decorations,
      Just piss and desolation.

      The last Christmas card I had
      Was from my mum and Dad
      In 1987,
      But now they are in Heaven.

      Christmas Day for me
      Is abject misery –
      So painful I can’t endure it,
      But neither can I ignore it,
      So Christmas Eve sees me
      With beer and vodka and whisky
      To make my whistle wet
      And make me forget
      That tomorrow I will wake and see
      No presents beneath the Christmas tree
      That I don’t have.

      Santa hasn’t been!
      Santa hasn’t been!
      Although I don’t believe in him,
      SANTA HASN’T BEEN.

      I do not want for much,
      Just the merest human touch;
      But I’m denied all this –
      Dare I dream a kiss
      Beneath the mistletoe?
      Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh –
      A perfumed neck, excited eyes,
      A promise, soft, compliant thighs,
      And Christmas consummation?
      No – for me, isolation.

      So it didn’t really take me long to decide
      That my best bet is a spectacular Christmas suicide!

      Full of hate and booze
      I might even make the news!
      But as I will be dead,
      I won’t give a shit.

      So now, as Winter encroaches,
      My lonely death approaches –
      But weep not for me
      By my own hand it shall be.
      I’ll drink beyond my fill
      And take a lot of pills,
      And to make really sure.
      I’ll lock the door.

      And then for the last time I’ll close my eyes…
      But, wait; what’s this – doubts arise;
      Doubts which give me room to pause -
      Maybe there IS a Santa Claus!
      Maybe this Christmas will NOT be shite
      And everything will be all right!
      Maybe, if I pray to God above me,
      I’ll meet somebody who loves me!
      Someone loving and happy and giving,
      So maybe – just maybe – life IS worth living!

      Like fuck it is.
      Goodbye.
      And a very Merry Christmas to one and all.

      Posted by: Nick Walters | December 6, 2009

      The Prisoner

      I am a huge fan of the original Prisoner, and when I first heard of this re-make my immediate reaction was “Oh God, NO!”  Then I merely shrugged and put it down to the current trend of re-making things that should never, ever be re-made (e.g. The Wicker Man, Edge of Darkness).

      But this 2009 version of The Prisoner isn’t really a re-make at all. It’s not even a “re-imagining”, whatever that means.  It’s not a sequel, a continuation or a re-boot. It’s a completely separate, discrete entity which just happens to be called The Prisoner – and that’s its major problem. It’s good enough to stand on its own, but as it’s called The Prisoner it will forever be compared with the original and found wanting. Had they called it something else and removed all back-references to the original it would be greatly improved but then, paradoxically, wouldn’t succeeded as it really isn’t that original in itself, with obvious ancestors in the Matrix and Dark City.

      So it’s a strange beast, and it only really works if you can forget the original. It comprises 6 45 minute episodes as opposed to the original’s run of 17; and, most importantly, everything’s answered. We find out about Number 1 (in the third episode!), we find out what the Village is for, why Number 6 (or simply 6 in this version) resigned, and what 2’s plan is. Everything’s explained – and it works. Leaving everything hanging again would have been a massive cheat, and they do seem to have found a valid reason for the Village – or rather this Village – to exist, so credit is due.

      (The only thing that isn’t explained is Rover, which pops up now and then looking exactly as it did in the original; no-one ever comments on it, and it’s a bit silly – and a reference to the originals series they should probably have left out.)

      This Prisoner is a tense, dark (in some places VERY dark, and shocking), multi-layered, psychological thriller that perhaps lacks in action and is a bit too talky. It looks rather dour and cheap compared to the 60s version and is notably lacking in humour; there are no jokes. At all. The Namibian location is remarkable, and used very well – you can really believe that the Village is isolated from the entire world, and that escape is impossible. It’s a sinister place, on the surface all 50s Americana, but with abductions, terrorism and constant surveillance, an obvious metaphor for the post-9/11 world, but don’t fret it’s not as overdone as it is in Battlestar Galactica.

      It benefits from a small cast which is refreshing in these days of multi-character dramas like Lost and Heroes. Jim Cavaziel does a fair job as Six but is too wooden in places, and when he emotes he comes across as a bit silly. A more empathic actor, less of a hunk, would have worked better. Eccleston would have been perfect for this and to think of him acting against McKellen makes one’s head spin. Talking of whom, McKellen is perfect as 2, he’s remarkably like the old Number 2’s from the original but this version is fleshed out a lot more. He has a wife and a son, 11-12.  The idea of 2 having a family does sound cheesy and totally at odds with the original, but it works in this version, and his family are crucial to the plot. There’s a huge twist about 11-12 in Episode 3 which goes places where the original never dared to tread.

      Ruth Wilson (Jane Eyre) is particularly good as 313, 6’s “love interest” (good to see three English actors in prominent roles), whilst Hayley Attwell is merely OK as the mysterious Lucy who 6 meets in the outside world. Oh yes, we get to see a lot of 6 in New York before his Arrival; the plotline is very clever with two storylines progressing together: 6 in the Village, and 6 before the Village meeting the mysterious Lucy who wants to know why he resigned from the surveillance company SUMMAKOR… it is the way these two storylines twist and separate and merge which is the cleverest and best thing about this version. Sometimes confusing, always challenging, you have to watch very carefully indeed. This isn’t a show for those with short attention spans.

      The explanation of what the Village is JUST ABOUT works, though I’ll need to watch it all again with that knowledge to see if there are holes. The ending is bleak and downbeat – which is both fitting and welcome.

      Overall, I would probably say that this version of The Prisoner is a success, at least for me. However it is far too slow and lacking in action to gain mass appeal – most would probably find it boring. Hardcore Prisoner fans may loathe it, and a sense they are right, this isn’t as innovative or groundbreaking as the original, but how could it be? McGoohan’s Prisoner is perhaps THE most original, unique TV programme ever made, and nothing made today could ever have the same impact, what with 40 years of TV history under the belt.

      The Prisoner 2009 may not be great TV but if you go into it with an open mind there’s lots to enjoy.

      Posted by: Nick Walters | November 28, 2009

      Mark E. Smith Says…

      What are you fuckin' lookin' at coont

      Just finished re-reading Renegade, the M.E.S. ghost-written “autobiography.”  It’s shite, but fascinating, and only serves to prove that the main point of The Fall is the music.

      It does however contain some brilliant pearls of wisdom from the man himself.

      These are some of my faves:

      “If anybody says to me I’ve got a problem with the drink, I tell them I do have a problem – like where to get it after eleven o’clock.”

      “I’ve stopped drinking anyway – I stopped half an hour ago.”

      “We’re living in a re-issue world, filching the past like magpies with a TARDIS.”  [Wonder if he's a Who fan?!]

      [Talking about moving back to where he grew up] “It’s a good area. I still live there. Strong Jewish/Irish community. It’s got great scenery as well. Bargain Booze is a particular favourite shop of mine. You can get some good offers there.”

      “Saturday’s a very holy day for me – I don’t like working on Saturday still. I never have. It’s my day off. Start at twelve and drink all day. I’ve always done that since I was sixteen. Piss around. Go out for a pint.”

      Sounds idyllic Mark!

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