Better late than never…

Wire, Red Barked Tree
was reviewed here. I said:  ”Beautiful and interesting and a bit weird. It’s also quite mellow – apart from the industrial thrash of 2 Minutes, and even that seems rather polite.”

PJ Harvey, Let England Shake
This may have won awards and plaudits galore but it pales in comparison to her previous album White Chalk. That was stunning, telling the story of a doomed and vengeful individual, and is the best thing she has ever done. When I first heard this I was extremely disappointed. Sixth-form poetry about war set to skiffle and washboard. It has grown on me – On Battleship Hill is excruciatingly beautiful – but not a lot.

Radiohead, The King Of Limbs
was reviewed here.  I said: “So overall a beautiful, interesting, multi-layered album that’s a treat for the ears and repays listening on a decent hi-fi or through decent headphones. What more do you want?”

Robin Guthrie and Harold Budd, Bordeaux 
Was reviewed here. I said:  ”Supremely beautiful and relaxing and soothing, if maybe somewhat formless and less memorable than that earlier collaboration. Superior chill-out music.” Better was to come from Mr Guthrie later in the year…

R.E.M., Collapse Into Now
Complete crap. Their worst – even worse than Reveal! At least Accelerate was a new direction. This, though, is painfully derivative of themselves, weak, dull and pointless. They were right to split. (I wrote a longer review in my notebook but this really doesn’t deserve the effort).

Kate Bush, Director’s Cut
Kate released two albums this year, one of them a work of utter genius. This ain’t it.

Robyn Hitchcock, Tromso Kaptein
Released initially on Norwegian record label Hype, this is somewhat of an oddity, featuring a new (and inferior) recording of Raining Twilight Coast from 1990’s Eye (one of my fave Robyn songs! And he’s murdered it! Female backing singers?! What the fuck?!?) and a re-recording (with Norwegian lyrics) of  the title track from his last album, here retitled “Godnatt Oslo.” (Blimey, what a sentence!) The rest of it is Robyn not quite at his peak but he is never less than interesting. Dismal City is a wonderful ode to enjoying/enduring a sunless urban existence: “Sunlight falls it’s much too harsh / I’d rather bloat in a cool dank marsh” and both August in Hammersmith and Old Man Weather are up there with his best.

Patrick Wolf, Lupercalia
I bought this on the strength of one song, House, which I still love. It never fails to move me, but the rest of the album does. I gave it a chance, but it just did nothing for me. Sorry!

Robin Guthrie, Emeralds
I said better was to come from this direction, and here it is. It’s fair to say now that you know exactly what you are getting with a Robin Guthrie album – unutterable beauty –  but I also mean to say that his sonic palette (guitar, electric piano, muted drums) never varies much, and that is the kernel of his genius. It’s what he does with these elements, the sheer wordless wonder of it, that gets me every time. He also limits himself to short pieces almost always between three and five minutes in length which leaves you wanting more but also speaks of remarkable self-discipline. His refusal to over-indulge – he could easily do an album of 30-minute guitar noodling, and I would as easily enjoy it – makes for compositions like the title track here, which I simply CANNOT describe. “A Cocteau twins song without Liz Fraser” is the nearest I can get but that simply does not do it justice, and would be wrong – although it is easy to imagine Liz singing over most of these tracks, you most certainly do not miss her. Especially when the last two tracks are as sublime as this. The Blue Book takes the simplest, gentlest of guitar phrases and proceeds to wipe your heart out with it. It is impossible not to listen to this and be moved, to tears, to shivers, to wherever it takes you. This segues into the track The Little Light Fades by the end of which you will find yourself transported. Robin Guthrie, you are a genius and I salute you.

Half Man Half Biscuit, 90 Bisodol (Crimond)
It pains me to write these words: I have fallen out of love with Half Man Half Biscuit. I went to their Shepherd’s Bush gig last July, and it was one of the worst I have ever attended – overcrowded, hot, and with a dreadful sound mix which rendered between-song banter totally inaudible. None of those things were the band’s fault, I admit, but I see that gig as the beginning of the end of my love affair with HMHB. Well I will always love them and listen to them, but this album leaves me cold (apart from one or two tracks like the rib-tickling rollocking Tommy Walsh’s Eco House). It seems to be straining to be bitter, bleak and morbid; where past works (the brilliantly evil A Country Practice springs to mind) seem effortless, these new songs seem to be working too hard, or just plain ill-humoured for the sake of it (the woeful The Coroner’s Lament comes across like a letter to the Daily Mail). Even the “climactic”  final track, Rock And Roll Is Full Of Bad Wools, a tirade against the music industry, covers old ground and pales beside the sheer joy of We Built This City On A Trad. Arr. Tune and the brilliant deadpan tirade of National Shite Day, the closing tracks from their previous two albums. Oh well, all relationships come to a turning point like this, and most other HMHB fans and critics love this, so I’ll just have to conclude “it’s not you – it’s me” and see if their next album will rekindle the flame.

Coldplay, Mylo Xyloto
Sweet holy fuck, it’s come to pass that I enjoy a Coldplay album more than a HMHB one! Kill me now. This is a fine, uplifting album, my only real criticism being the (over) production, which renders certain tracks e.g. Princess of China, almost incomprehensible. Never mind! Paradise is a top tune and a regular on the jukebox up the Bush. Job done lads.

The Fall, Ersatz G. B. 
was reviewed here. I said:  ”To my inexpressible joy, Ersatz G.B it is yet ANOTHER excellent Fall album, the fourth such in a row since 2007, and they show no signs of slowing down. All hail The Fall, the best band ever to exist.” (Listen to one of the best tracks, Nate Will Not Return, here.)

Kate Bush, 50 Words For Snow
Album of the year. I can’t bring myself to review this properly yet, but it is clearly album of the year. Sorry, M.E.S. – in any other year a new Fall album would wipe the floor with the competition, but… this is Kate Bush. Kate Bush. KATE BUSH.

Luke Haines, 9 ½ Half Psychedelic Meditations on British Wrestling of the  1970’s and early ‘80s
If you are of a certain age, this album will have resonance and meaning. If you’re not, it will mean nothing and sound like the whisperings of a madman conjuring fabulous and sinister names like Giant Haystacks, Kendo Nagasaki and Big Daddy to a background of slightly baroque (and hardly psychedelic) British indie chamber music. I certainly remember watching the wrestling on TV and was familiar with most of the names and this album drove me to the Internet to find out more, for example the unmasking of Kendo Nagasaki.  This is a strangely beautiful and moving album. Though undeniably funny and very very witty, the subject matter is dealt with seriously, sometimes through the viewpoint of the young Haines, such as on Saturday Afternoon (“Rollerball Rocco got thrown out the pub / Don’t let him in Dad he’ll nick all our grub”), and sometimes through bizarre parody e.g. Big Daddy Got A Casio VL Tone. It all combines to conjure a lost world which although only thirty years ago now seems like a far distant epoch. If you are of a certain age (Haines is 44, I am a year behind him) by the time you get to the closer Haystacks In Heaven there should be a little tear in your eye.

Amy Winehouse, Lioness: Hidden Treasures 
Much has been written about Amy Winehouse, her untimely death, her musical legacy, and what she could have gone on to be. I’ve got nothing to add, really. I’ve always liked her and the image she projects, reminiscent of so many disparate eras, eclectic yet modern. The hair, those eyes, that smile. It was You Know I’m No Good that turned me on to her, and it remains my fave song of hers – bleak, brutal, beautiful and darkly funny, a song that took you on a stormy and sexy journey through a doomed relationship. There’s nothing on Lioness to match it, of course, and I didn’t expect there to be. What we have is a scrapbook of memories of Amy Winehouse, but it is Back To Black and You Know I’m Good to which people will return when they want to be reminded of her greatness.

The Blue Aeroplanes, Anti-Gravity
Still haven’t heard this. It’s only been released on vinyl, and I still haven’t got my record player fixed! A CD release with extra tracks is vaguely promised for 2012.

***

So that was 2011. Best Album: Kate Bush’s wintry masterpiece; worst album, R.E.M.’s turd of a swansong. What of 2012? A new Fall album can probably be expected, as we seem to be back to one a year since 2009; but with M.E.S., you never know. There’s a new Therapy? album, A Brief Crack Of Light, in February, and the titanic lead track Living In The Shadow Of The Terrible Thing can be heard here.  Also in February the Ting Tings are back with Sounds From Nowheresville with its “Walking Dead” cover. There’s a new La Roux album in the works too. And! Paul Weller is BACK! With a new album called, rather ridiculously, Sonik Kicks (why not Sonik Kix,if you’re gonna fart around with the English language at least go for it!) I’m more excited by news that The Wedding Present are releasing their  new album Valentina – their first in four years – in March. And even more thrillingly there are rumours of a brand new (rather than new old) Prefab Sprout album! Heavens to Betsy! We shall see…

Less polished and more mental than Your Future Our Clutter, this is also much more fun. It begins with Cosmos 7, a mad rush of a track with everything happening at once before the song almost falls over its own ascending riff. A storming opener! Taking Off follows, a wonderful melodic thing which sounds (rather appropriately) a bit like The Blue Aeroplanes before, er, taking off into its own Fall flight of fun. Next, Nate Will Not Return, a 6-minute monster during which M.E.S. grudgingly and growlingly spits out rhymes of the titular character, whilst Pete Greenway (the hero of this album), worries and strangles his guitar into a stuttering series of phrases which culminate triumphantly in a glorious repeated riff. Simply astonishing.

Mask Search is next, probably the weakest track , though it is still great, and fun; a rockabilly stumble which recalls Hot Cake from the last album. The stop/start ending is hilarious. Greenway is next – an exact copy of a song called Gameboy by a Greek HM band (this is where all this “new Fall album is gonna be Greek Heavy Metal” stuff originated). It’s fun, it rocks, and MES gargled lyrics are… interesting… but it could have done with some of Eleni’s keyboards. A slight disappointment. Talking of Eleni, Mrs Smith takes centre stage for Happi Song, a light, poppy number which comes as blessed relief after the heady rush of the first four tracks. It’s been unfairly slagged off, which is a shame as it is a nice little song and provides contrast to the swirling madness of the rest of the album.

Beginning Side 2 (yes, I still think that – and in fact side 2 of the vinyl version does start here!)  is Monocard, the album’s centrepiece, 8 minutes of beetling, bruised beauty which could have fitted on Bend Sinister  - from me, there is no higher praise. Based on the most primitive metal riff imaginable, this is a masterpiece of repetition, and the way it stops… then starts… then stops… then starts again builds an incredible atmosphere of menace and suspense. The lyrics are typically obtuse: “When will I get grasp of monocard? Is it bread? When will it begin? At my peril and at my demand – Monocarrrrd!”  (Google monocard and all will become clear…not!). Eleni’s synths recall the BBC Radiophonic Workshop and at several points morph alarmingly into a sting which recalls the 1970′s Doctor Who theme music. It’s the best track and a true Fall classic.

Laptop Dog is next, which was rightly released as a single. It’s a catchy tune based on an acoustic guitar riff which recalls earlier Fall song M5. Can’t see it bothering the charts though, but that has never mattered where The Fall are concerned! The final two tracks are headlong sprints which bring the album to the close on a high. I’ve Seen Them Come is another long track, over 6 minutes, and is the most repetitive thing here (lacking the stops and starts of Monocard), based on a fantastic Greenway riff which starts the song, then gets buried in the production, only to emerge triumphant in the final two minutes. It’s a timeless piece of Fall which could fit into any era. Age of Chang (formerly Age of Change) is okay, but is rather a mangled version of what was a tight and disciplined tune live. A minor criticism as further listenings reveal bits and bobs of business and hidden layers in the track – something which is true for the album as a whole. So – better than YFOC? And up among the best? Impossible to tell, probably pointless to try, but to my inexpressible joy, Ersatz G.B it is yet ANOTHER excellent Fall album, the fourth such in a row since 2007, and they show no signs of slowing down. All hail The Fall, the best band ever to exist.

My tiffin in all its shiny glory

I bought my tiffin last nite, from the excellent Thali cafe in Totterdown, Bristol.

What the heckity heck is a tiffin, you ask?

It’s a brilliant, sustainable and eco-friendly way to have take-away curry: instead of foil containers and plastic bags, you buy a tiffin – a set of four stainless steel insulated pots. It costs £22.50, admittedly, but comes filled with the curry of your choice, and re-fills only cost seven or eight quid, the going rate for a takeaway. And for that you get a LOT of food – I had Moghul Chicken, basmati rice, tarka dal and veggie subji. Enough for 2 people (or one fat git like me).

The tiffin keeps the food hot for over 16 hours, they claim. I tested this by going to the pub for an hour after buying my tiffin, and when I got home it was still piping hot. And the stainless steel pots that make up the tiffin are easy to clean, and look nice on the kitchen shelf.

So if you’re anywhere near a Thali cafe (there are four in Bristol, see their website) and like curry, go get a tiffin – you won’t regret it!

23 November 2013 is the 50th anniversary of Doctor Who, and no doubt, right now, plans are being laid to celebrate this milestone.

Who knows what these plans are? Certainly not me. But here’s what I would do…

Firstly, BALLS to a multi-Doctor story. Why? Two reasons:

1. They’re crap.

Entertaining, but crap. The Three Doctors is probably the best – there is a real, urgent reason for bringing the first two Doctors back, it really does seem like the Time Lords are desperate and that the Universe is doomed if Omega succeeds. So story-wise, it’s great. The on-screen realisation, however, leaves a lot to be desired. Doctor Who has rarely looked this cheap and tacky, and monsters have rarely posed so little threat as the Gel Guards. Omega’s anti-matter kingdom should be a domain of wonder and awe, but it’s just another quarry (they use wacky camera angles in a desperate attempt to hide this) and a cheapo set made out of cardboard and glitter. The nadir of this is when the mighty Omega, to demonstrate his power, summons up – a CHAIR! Wowza. It’s the storyline and the performances (especially Troughton and Stephen Thorne as Omega) that save this.

The Five Doctors, in all of its versions, is also fun, and boasts more impressive special effects, but the story shrieks and groans in its valiant efforts to bring everyone together. Terrance Dicks is the true star here, crafting a (relatively) plausible story from such a daunting brief. It’s to his credit that he expands on Time Lord mythology, introducing the Dead Zone and Rassilon. The main pleasure of this and of all multi-Doctor stories is seeing the various incarnations of the Doctor meeting and interacting, and  - once you’re over Tom’s absence – these scenes are a joy.

The Two Doctors is a horrific abortion of a Doctor Who story, and a bit like watching a drunken Father Christmas vomit over your sobbing children. I absolutely love it, but the plot in no way justifies the inclusion of the Second Doctor.  Troughton once again turns in an excellent performance; he is the best Doctor in all of these multi-Doctor stories.

(I’ll skip over the  The Eight Doctors, The One Doctor, The Infinity Doctors et al as I am sticking to the TV series).

No-one, unless they are clinically insane, would place these stories in their list of top ten, twenty, or even fifty Doctor Who stories. (The Two Doctors is at No. 25 in mine).

2. WHO would they get?

Say the BBC ignore my advice and, in their madness, commission a multi-Doctor story to be broadcast on 23/11/13 – The Twelve Doctors, or maybe The Thirteen Doctors. Casting is the major problem: the first three Doctors are sadly no longer with us, and to replace them with stand-ins would disrespect their memory. Yes, Richard Hurndall did a fair job in The Five Doctors, but can you imagine ANYONE standing in for Troughton, or Pertwee? As for replacing them with CGI versions, fuck off. Sorry, just FUCK off. I cannot speak for the surviving Doctors, but here goes anyway: Tom would probably do it, so would Davo, and Colin – but they all look very different from how they did back in the day. McCoy might be too busy filming the Hobbit. McGann would probably do it, whilst  Eccleston almost certainly would not. Tennant? Not sure – he loves Who so he probably would. So we’d probably end up with Doctors 4,5,6,8,10 and 11 – The Six Doctors. (Well, they used a once-mooted  title earlier this year, why not do it again?)

Please, Auntie, don’t go down this route – they kept on doing it in Star Trek up to *and including* the reboot. Thought it might be “nice” to see all the Doctors together again, look at the precedents, and forget it.  Celebrate the Doctor’s past with a documentary, in which all surviving Doctors participate – this would get round McCoy being tied up with The Hobbit (ooer), as he can be interviewed on location or something whilst filming that.

But that’s *not* my big idea of how to celebrate DW@50 – it goes without saying that there will be a documentary or celebratory programme of some sort. No, my big idea is:

MAKE THE DOCTOR WHO MOVIE!

You’re nodding in agreement, aren’t you? It makes PERFECT sense. There’ve been rumblings about a Who movie for years, and the anniversary would seem absolutely the right time to do it. We have 6 episodes left in 2011, and we know there have been 14 commissioned for 2012/13. So this is how it could play out:

• Season 7: Six episodes in Autumn 2012 (yes, the fans will moan about the gap between the end of Season 6 and this, but, well. Fans. Will. Moan.) plus the Christmas Special.
• Season 8: Seven episodes in Spring 2013 (see? less of a wait, mongs!) at the end of which the Eleventh Doctor REGENERATES into the Twelfth Doctor!!! This will lead into:
• The Movie: released on 23 November 2013 starring the Twelfth Doctor, who will be a one-off, cast especially for the film (see below).
• Season 9: New Thirteenth Doctor, new logo, new showrunner etc. to commence Autumn 2014, funded from the profits of the film.

See? It makes perfect sense!

And the master-stroke would be the casting of the Doctor. It would have to be one of the most famous actors in the world, to ensure it’s a success. Harrison Ford, I reckon. He’ll be 70 in 2013; he’s still fit enough for the action sequences (as the last Indy film showed) and has that old/young thing going on. You’re probably all (all? The 2 people who read this) screaming at me now, but it HAS to be someone of his stature. Cos then everyone will go and see it. Oh and Ridley Scott can direct it, too. That OK with you Mr Scott?

As for the plot of the film, I’ll leave that to the writer. Me, Mr Scott, if you’re reading this! Or one of those nobodies like RTD or Moffat or Cornell if you must. I’m sure Lawrence Miles would also be interested. No matter who writes it, the film must be epic and sensational. So that probably means Daleks, then. And Cybermen. And Plasmatons and Omega and UNIT and K-9 and everything! Ghaaa! DON’T do this, I beg. A massive invasion of Earth by some totally new aliens – perhaps new versions of the Daleks – would be my (safe) bet.

Whatever the plot, the film must end with the death of the Ford Doctor and his regeneration into the Thirteenth Doctor (Dylan Moran) to lead in to Season 9. There could be some loophole left in the movie to allow further 12th Doctor adventures if Mr Ford is willing. For example he could pop off in the TARDIS for ages  whilst only being absent from the film for one minute, etc. Like what happened in Robot/The Face of Evil (if you don’t know what I am on about then you are not a true fan, and please kindly leave this blog!)

Or perhaps we don’t see who Matt Smith regenerates into at the end of Season 8, so that the movie begins without all the post-regen bollocks we got in the McGann TVM, and we get basically a stand-alone movie with a canonical 12th Doctor and the chance for prequels/sequels.

Or perhaps – that’s enough speculation. Doctor Who – The Movie, to celebrate the 50th Anniversary. It must – MUST – be done!

Come on, you are already imagining a big-budget Who movie directed by Ridley Scott and starring Harrison Ford with Helena Bonham-Carter as his companion, aren’t you? IT WOULD BE MINT! It’s not as if it could ever be as bad as Time and the Rani, is it?

IS IT?!

Tammy chills out to the sounds of Bordeaux

Robin Guthrie (a former Cocteau Twin) has collaborated with American avant-garde composer Harold Budd before, on the wondrous After The Night Falls / Before The Day Breaks albums in 2007. This is a more hesitant, restrained work, recalling Budd’s collaboration with Brian Eno on 1984′s The Pearl. It is supremely beautiful and relaxing and soothing, if maybe somewhat formless and less memorable than that earlier collaboration. Superior chill-out music.

Last night at the monthly Monday Bristol SF meet I was presented with my contributor’s copy of “The Sixty”, a book of artwork by BSFA award winning artist Andy Bigwood.

It’s a collection of 60 (duh!) stunning images by Andy, each accompanied by a piece of flash fiction by SF authors.  It is a work of some beauty,  is available from Amazon and will be on sale at Eastercon.

Contributing authors include Colin Harvey, Gareth Powell, Jim Mortimore, Storm Constantine, Kim Lakin-Smith, Liz Williams, Ian Watson, Ken McLeod, Juliet McKenna, Danie Ware, and Andy himself.

My contribution is entitled “Tom’s Reality”, and it accompanies a beautiful piece of the same name which I only found out from Andy last night was inspired by his nephew wading in the sea at Weymouth beach (those who know me know how I love that place).

If you love art and sf, you know what to do!

Whatever format of this you end up with – download, CD, “newspaper album” (whatever the hell that is) – is largely irrelevant.  The way we buy and listen to music is changing – but the music itself remains the whole point. Without it there would be no download, no product, no MP3 or CD or newspaper album. The King of Limbs isn’t a download, or a CD, or a pair of 10-inch vinyl records, it’s an album. Of music. To be listened to.  Eight tracks of music making up Radiohead’s latest album.

And a great one too.  It takes a few listens, because there is so much musical information to be taken in, but eventually the thing, er, blooms in your head like a monstrous, beautiful alien flower. Fans of  the Bends/OK Computer era will be frustrated (again!), but those who appreciate Radohead’s more experimental side will be delighted. This is their most “extreme” album yet by their terms – for there is of course far more extreme and experimental music out there against which The King of Limbs would seem like Level 42.

It’s got the intricacy and beauty of In Rainbows, but it masks this behind initially frustrating layers of drum programming and  “glitch” and God knows what else, so that on first listen it sounds fussy, overdone, desperate to keep up with the times. Further listens however reveal the clever and beautiful structures behind all this. It’s at once floaty and gossamer-delicate, and deep and earthy, with some amazing, swooping basslines. Thom Yorke’s voice is treated on most tracks, and used as if it were another instrument, merging into the music to astonishing effect. There are guitars, but this album bears the influence of Jonny Greenwood’s soundtrack work (e.g. There Will Be Blood) more than any other Radiohead record. It’s hard to tell which bits of the drumming are “live” or programmed, which adds to the mystery.

It starts rather like In Rainbows Disc 2 with a looped piano tinkle, and then we’re into Bloom. “Open your mouth wide, a universal sigh”, yawns Yorke, perhaps anticipating the groans of the OK Comp drones. The music is fast and skittery with a superb repeating bassline, subtle and hooky with a satisfyingly deep pay-off, somehow reminiscent of previous album openers Airbag and Planet Telex. The middle bit goes jazzy with a muted crescendo of horns and synths before the main theme reasserts itself. Yes, jazzy! I would say this was Radiohead’s folk-jazz-glitch album, if I felt like stuffing pigeons into holes.

Good Morning Mr Magpie is next, an old song buried under layers of programming and swirls of – stuff. Yes, it is hard to write about music sometimes! This has a chorus, and a good one, which should calm down the Compers. Little By Little follows – and on initial listening is horrible, all you can hear is the tricksy percussion. But further investigation reveals clever chord structures. Definitely a grower. Ending “Side 1″ (I just can’t stop myself from thinking that way!) is Feral, the only really inessential track, and, as many have said, it DOES sound like Burial, or like Radiohead are trying too hard to sound all hip and modern. It does end, though, with the most amazingly sinister bass synth ever, worth hearing on a decent system.

Then come four of the best tracks and the most perfect song sequence Radiohead have ever recorded. Lotus Flower, my favourite track here, is, er, bloody beautiful. Propelled by a choppy bassline and thwacking drums… gah I’m not going to bother trying to describe the music any more, I’m beginning to feel like an early ’90s NME hack, it’ll be sonic cathedrals next. Suffice to say, Lotus Flower is lovely and Thom Yorke’s vocals are sublime. Next is Codex, a fairly trad RH piano ballad but just listen to the last minute or so, they’re beginning to sound like Talk Talk circa Laughing Stock! Now this is a direction I’d love them to pursue. Give Up The Ghost follows, a woozy acoustic ballad with instrumentation that recalls Can’s Ege Bamyasi album. If you’re gonna sound like someone, sound like Can. Or The Fall. The final track, Separator, is surprisingly upbeat, with a catchy, somehow Indian-sounding bassline, finishing off with a lovely twinkling guitar refrain that sounds a bit like The Blue Aeroplanes (don’t say “Who?”).

So overall a beautiful, interesting, multi-layered album that’s a treat for the ears and repays listening on a decent hi-fi or through decent headphones. What more do you want?

Not available on the NHS - fortunately

I’m a seasoned horror fan, and there were at least two times I screamed “NooooOOOOO!” whilst watching this film.  My shrieks were  immediately followed by uncontrollable laughter. The Human Centipede is an excellent horror film and a black comedy all in one. It’s played so straight – it has to be – that the laughs come when you least expect it.

It makes other “torture porn” films look childish and silly. The film takes its grotesque central concept and runs with it. It looks good, too. If this were made in the mid-80′s it would be an unwatchable gorefest, but the cinematography here is quite beautiful.

As for the performances,  I didn’t find the two American girls at all annoying. It’s quite touching when we see them imprisoned helpless in the centipede, unable to talk, desperately holding hands. I found those scenes the most uncomfortable to watch. Well done to the director for including them.

Japanese actor Akihiro Kitamura, who plays the front of the centipede, deserves mention. It must be one of the most undeserving, difficult roles in any film ever.  He carries quite a lot of  the movie, does a very good job, and provides one of the most shocking twists.

Dieter Laser? Crazy name, crazy guy! A brilliant performance. He looks like some sort of skeletal, insectoid alien to start with. He’s absolutely terrifying as the crazed surgeon Heiter, playing it cool most of the time, but sometimes going gloriously OTT. “Feed her. FEED HER!” His calm confusion at an escape attempt – “what do you think you are doing, are you mad?” – and his obvious belief that his subjects should be proud of being part of his experiment is scarier than any amount of gore.

Talking of which, the subject matter is so horrific, so original, that – as I read in an interview – director Tom Six decided to keep the gore to a minimum, in order to desensitise audiences to the idea of a human centipede. The sequel, “The Human Centipede – Full Sequence” will contain “all the blood and shit that was missing from the first one”, he says. I can’t wait.

Paper clips are small, useful creatures made of wire looped into a shape that makes them ideal for temporarily securing documents together when you don’t want to go all the way and use staples or paper fasteners.

Usually plain, they also come in a variety of brightly coloured plastic coatings which can cheer up a dull collection of papers, except those concerned with Local Area Agreements, which are beyond hope. There are also giant versions which can be used to clip important papers together. These can also be used by those suffering inferiority complexes to compensate for lack in other areas of their lives.

Paper clips are misunderstood creatures. They are often maligned as a symbol of bureaucracy and red tape – there’s the familiar stereotype of the civil servant obsessed with the monthly paper clip order. The incredibly annoying and much hated Microsoft Office Assistant, Clippy, comes in the form of an animated paper clip with eyes, and this has done nothing to help their public image. Sadly, paper clips are often abused to make necklaces or perform arcane sacrificial rituals.

But paperclips are undeniably an essential component of our everyday lives and can be unbent and refolded without complaint in times of stress. And of course Operation Paperclip was an important post-war US military program.

For more information about paper clips click here.