Point: DOCTOR WHO WILL LAST FOREVER! by Timothy Twigwidge
It’s Doctor Who’s 50th Anniversary and things have never been better! Fifty glorious years of everyone’s favourite time-travelling Time Lord! Half a century of travels through Space and Time, to the distant past and the far future and the current present, with Doctor Who and his brave friends, battling evil and injustice throughout the five dimensions! We’ve seen him defeat the deadly Daleks many times, though they still continue to return to menace him and will surely return as the main menace in the 50th Anniversary year! Cybermen, Ice Warriors, Sontarans, Yeti, and more latterly Weeping Angles and Adipose, have all fallen before the might of the all-powerful Last of the Time Lords! Ancient Rome, far future Xeros, and modern-day Cardiff all have cause to thank the time-travelling space hero Doctor Who from saving them from certain and utter annihilation! And Brigadier Alastair Stewart (RIP sob), Lady River Song and Kamelion can all count the Doctor as the bestest of friends! Not to mention the long string of faithful companions from Susan through Katerina (RIP sob) and Dildo to sexy Jo Grant and the greatest of them all, Sarah Jane Smith (RIP sob), to the more modern day ones like Ace and Rose and Martha (who was black!) and Amy in her sexy short skirt. All knew the joy of travelling with the Doctor! Except Adric, who died (RIP sob). But let’s not be sad! Let’s celebrate! Doctor Who is 50 and we can safely expect 50 years more – and why? Well, one, the format of Doctor Who is SO wide it can go anything be anywhere do anywhat – comedy, drama, farce, Westerns, Film Noir, fantasy, father/daughter rape porn – NOTHING is beyond the scope of Doctor Who! Just think what more there is to discover! And, two, the viewing figures are, as the Ninth Doctor would say, FANTASTIC and getting better and better! EVERYONE loves Doctor Who, it is the most popular and BEST programme in the WORLD and it’s going to go on FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER AND EVER! HUZZAH!
Cunterpoint: DOCTOR WHO IS DEAD by Maurice Maundergrave
Doctor Who is fucked. We’ve had fifty years of, frankly, variable entertainment ranging from the dire (the RTD era, the 80’s, now, take your pick) to the glorious (anything between 1974 and 1979) and surely that’s enough. We should be satisfied with that, rather than demanding more and more from a programme that’s giving us less and less. Matt Smith is a Doctor designed by committee (his costume is basically a parody of Troughton’s) and portrayed with more irritating quirk than Jim Carrey’s entire cinematic output. The stories are now tired, lame and repetitive, resorting to ridiculous ‘timey-wimey’ plots and bringing back old monsters (the Cybermen, the Silurians) only to ruin them. And the logo’s shit. It’s like the 80’s all over again! Doctor Who is now so caught up in its own mythology that we are supposed to applaud the return of a character so catastrophically pointless as River Song, and be sad when the worst companions of all time finally leave. Doctor Who now has nothing new to say and nowhere new to go. Don’t give me all that crapola about the infinite diversity of its format, most stories still take place on present-day Earth or well-worn eras of history. Anyone who thought The God Complex was bold and innovative has obviously never seen The Mind Robber. As for The Name of the Doctor, I’m with Mad Larry and his arse. Yawn, yawn, nothing new to see here! Viewing figures? Yes, they’re healthy enough, but popularity is no indicator of quality. Millions of people read The Sun, and it’s shit. Millions watch The X Factor, and it’s shit. Millions supported Hitler, and we all know what happened there. What law? Fuck off, I’m writing. And millions watch Doctor Who, and it’s shit. The BBC know this, and after the inevitable 50th Anniversary wank-fest (which will be shit. John Hurt? Not as much as my fucking brain does) will quietly cancel the programme. People may moan, but soon forget. We’ve had 50 years, the dead horse has been flogged to dust, enough is enough. Doctor Who is dead. End of.